Balancing work and the family. February 15, 2009
Posted by Damon Taylor in Parenting.Tags: Relationships
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Balancing work and the family.
Your morning starts with your hair being tugged by your two year old. You open one eye, hoping that you are still dreaming. After tossing and turning all night, and waking to cries of monster the last thing on your mind is work. Nevertheless, many of us wake and find ourselves following our daily morning rituals, mediating between the children and the husband and finding time to prepare for work.
Sometimes I curse the women who fought for equal opportunity, sending us all out into the workforce. It appears that most of our day is spent trying to be equitable, however definitely not in the traditional sense once known to the feminist era, but in an attempt to share ourselves with our children, our husbands and work. For many working mothers, mornings are met with cries of I can’t find my school shoes, whilst the toddler runs around the home like a mini cyclone, leaving a path of destruction. In between applying our make up, and preparing breakfast, the children are constantly demanding attention.
Some of us are lucky to have our husband home in the morning to assist in the management of what appears to be at times world war three. I myself are one of the lucky ones who’s husband is able to lend a helping hand, nevertheless, for a mother, it is always difficult to overcome the guilt of working full time whilst attempting to care for the children. Finding the time to share yourself around, and developing a healthy work/family balance is extremely difficult, and at times appear impossible. So how do mothers develop a career whilst maintaining a healthy family life?
Being a mother means being able to manage your time effectively, especially if working full time. You need to establish healthy working hours with your employer. Also, it pays to have an employer who is flexible, allowing you to be able to start work and finish work at times that also suit the needs of your family. Having a partner certainly helps. One of you can start work later in order to drop the children to school or child care, whist the other finishes work earlier to pick the children up. It certainly is achievable, but can take some effective time management and negotiations at work and with the family.
For parents who do it on their own, this can be difficult. If you don’t have access to friends or family members who can assist, then it certainly pays to do your homework and find a childcare centre or school that offers before and after school care.
Running the household and accomplishing all household tasks can also create stress. Once again, having a partner can eliminate some stress, and many of the tasks can be shared. Establishing a routine becomes important, allowing you to plan your days effectively, and knowing when things such as washing and ironing can be completed. I always advise parents, in particular parents who are on their own, to cook and prepare meals for the week on the weekend, and then freeze them. It’s simpler, saves time and cuts the workload down significantly.
Parents may also find themselves lacking time for one another. I know that my husband and I have very little time to spend with one another. When you do have some quite time together, most of it is spent lying around in bed watching television and taking some time out. Intimacy often becomes a thing of the past, and for some couples this can take a deleterious toll on the relationship. Making time for one another is very important. Arranging a baby sitter once a month or even every fortnight can be a great way to go out and spend some time together as a couple. Couples who fail to make an effort often find that their relationship may become stagnant, dull and lacking in intimacy. Like children, relationships are hard work and require effort and commitment to ensuring that both partners work towards a common goal. Some couples find themselves weighing up between quality and quantity, and then choosing their option. The issue pertaining to quality and quantity should not center on which out weighs the other. Successful relationships incorporate both quality and quantity. This means time spent with one another occurs regularly, and is always meaningful and solicitous.
Spending time as a family is also extremely important and should be made a priority. Take a day off on the weekend and have a family picnic. The fresh air and change of scenery will certainly invigorate and rejuvenate you for the week to come. Arrange a family holiday, and spend the weekend, or part of the school holidays away from the hustle and bustle of every day life which most of us are accustomed to. Children also need to develop an understanding of quality time, and together time. It’s often too easy to allow the children to entertain themselves, and often, families find themselves living together, but interacting very little with one another. We become absorbed in our own world, our own interests, and slowly create boundaries around one another.
Finding the perfect balance between working and managing family life is intricately close to impossible. As individuals, we tend to focus on what is required of ourselves, and we work towards completing the tasks required of us with little regard for the tasks that is not required, but aids in establishing positive and lifelong relationships. Children require structure and routine, and thrive on gaining a sense of belonging within a family structure. Couples need time to themselves, but also need time to appreciate one another, and relish in their partner’s company. With effective time management, negotiation and a little give and take, most people can learn to effectively manage their working life and their family life successfully.
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COPING WITH A NEW BABY February 15, 2009
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COPING WITH A NEW BABY
Making the decision to have children is not easy, however at some point in our lives many of us do. Having a new person added to the family can cause significant changes to the dynamics of a relationship. What we were once accustomed to becomes surreal and almost impossible. Many couples discover that the preparations and research conducted are often minor in comparison to the events actually experienced.
As a couple, we are used to having our quite times to ourselves,to relax and to enjoy the company of our partner without interruption. The solitude and tranquility so easily attainable in couple relationships often become non-existent upon the arrival of a new baby. Whilst the addition to the family is met with joy and happiness, the work that follows is often unexpected and not adequately planned for.
The new baby wakes every two to three hours for a feed, and then may not want to go back to sleep. Couples who are unfortunate to experience babies with reflux or colic may soon forget what sleep was like. You may walk around feeling like a zombie, unaware of what time it is or what day it is for that matter. Your ability to think declines, with irrational thoughts slowly entering your mind, causing your stress levels to increase and your emotions to heighten. When the baby finally goes down for a nap, you begin to develop a sense of paranoia. Every little noise made is responded with an urgent and almost desperate ’hush’. Families and friends who visit must go through a ritual process of calling before they arrive, just to make sure that they are not disrupting any precious rest or sleep time for mum and dad.
As the days progress into weeks, the lack of sleep begin to take effect and couples often find themselves feeling perplexed and irrational. Fights begin, with each partner finding reason to argue why they are more tired than the other, or doing the most work. Mothers often argue that they are with the baby all day long, and have little time for themselves. When the baby is down for a nap, there are housework and chores to be completed. Fathers on the other hand argue that after a disturbed nights sleep, they must wake up and go to work. Their quality of work is being affected due to lack of sleep and stress. Despite the arguments presented by both mothers and fathers, the introduction of a baby places great stress on both parties. So how do you deal with your little bundle of joy without feeling like killing one another or running away?
The answer is routine. All babies and children require routine, and whilst it make take some time to develop this routine, it is a godsend when developed. Likewise, couples also require a routine to parent effectively and maintain a positive relationship with one another. Ensure that you get your baby into a feeding pattern. Once that is established, you will be able to plan around when your baby will require a feed, and a pattern for sleep. This may take some time as babies often like to feed on demand. Lets face it, they have powerful little lungs and like to put on a show when hungry. Some mothers find it beneficial to top their baby up on formula if they still appear hungry or unsettled after being breastfed. Some times this can be the case and giving them a little ’top up’ does not hurt them.
When your baby has a feeding pattern, begin to develop a sleeping pattern. You may find that your baby will fall asleep shortly after being fed or whilst being fed. Ensure that your baby is burped to prevent them from waking up with wind, then put them down for a sleep. Give your baby a bath earlier rather than later in the evening. Allow them to play, or use this time to spend with them. Your partner can arrive home from work and do this as part of his routine. Before going to bed, feed your baby his or her last feed for the night, then get some sleep. if you find that your baby simply does like to be put down, you may want to consider the control crying method. Not all parents like this at it appears cruel, however sometimes allowing your baby to cry for a few minutes before being picked up will enable them to develop a better sleeping routine. As a parent, you will soon learn to distinguish between the different types of cries. You learn that your baby will cry a certain way when hungry, and cry a different way when in pain and so forth. Sometimes your baby will simply cry because they want to be held. Holding your baby and to bond and develop attachment is fine, in fact it is important to do this, however always picking your baby up at the first sign of a wimper will encourage them to always want to be held, and for a parent this can be exhausting.
Coping with change is not an easy task to do. You may notice that you and your partner are encountering more arguments as a result of the increased stress and lack of sleep. As a parent its also important to take care of yourself. Make a rule whereby each partner can have some time to themselves once a week whilst the other parent cares for the baby. Also, its important to make time for one another. This provides a perfect opportunity for the grandparents to become involved. Organise a night out together once a fortnight or once a month and allow the grandparents to have some time with their grandchild. They will love this and so will you. You can have a night out followed by some well deserved zzzs.
Whilst having a child can be a life changing experience, it is also a time in your life that brings great joy and happiness. Often couples gain a sense of completeness upon the arrival of their child. The relationship is affirmed and bonds are created beyond the promises and vows of commitment made. The creation of a child creates an invisible yet definitive link between husband and wife, and for many, it is this link alone that establishes the strength and intensity of a relationship.
Having a baby will no doubt change your life significantly. Routines and activities that were once part of your life as a couple may no longer occur as your baby will take precedent. Time management, job sharing and compromise is vital in ensuring that both you and your partner enjoy the things you once did both as individuals and as a couple. The arrival of a baby not only bring change, but also bring with it the joy, laughter and happiness only ever experienced by a parent.
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Parenting the Parent August 24, 2008
Posted by Damon Taylor in Parenting.Tags: behaviour management, children, family, life, love, Parenting, Relationships, wedding, wedding dress, Wedding Dresses
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Choosing to be a parent is one of the most important decisions that a person can make. Once you become a parent, you are one for life. Thus, making the choice to have children is a decision that should not be made lightly. We live in a complex and often threatening society, and raising children in such a society can be one of the most taxing jobs that anyone can undertake. Despite the enormous responsibility that comes with raising a child, or children, it can also be one of the most rewarding.
Parents who are new to the world of parenting, can find it extremely difficult to manage their child, and in particular, their child’s behaviour. Whilst some of us may have children who appear to be angels from above, many parents in today’s society face the hardship of managing tantrums and ongoing requests for new and innovative toys.
Whilst parenting can be a memorable and at the same time stressful time in one’s life, one of the most important skills that a parent can have is the ability to discipline children effectively. Whilst rules and expectations vary from family to family, most parents endeavour to teach their children how to behave in a manner that is acceptable and appropriate.
Psychologist (OLeary, 1995) report, that parents must use appropriate and effective techniques when disciplining their children. Such techniques involve the following:
- Being Consistent;
- Avoiding excessive harsh forms of discipline;
- Avoiding excessive laxness;
- Being receptive to bargaining;
- Showing affection to children when disciplining
Being consistent entails following through with what you say you are going to do. Many of us throw empty threats at our children in the hope that they will behave, however we also fail to follow through when our child continues with their inappropriate behaviour.
Avoiding excessive harsh forms of discipline is imperative to ensuring that children do not learn that hurting others is acceptable. In today’s society we are faced with many debates pertaining to the culture of ‘smacking’. Whilst many of us may have been smacked as children ourselves, research today reveal that children can be disciplined effectively by adopting alternative forms of punishment such as time out.
Avoiding excessive laxness is similar to being consistent. Laxness involves establishing the rules and then failing to follow them or enforce them. This teaches the child that the rule doesn’t really count, thus they simply ignore the rule.
Being receptive to bargaining entails discovering compromises that are both acceptable to the parent and the child. It allows the child to have some autonomy whilst adhering to the boundaries set in the home.
Showing affection to your child when disciplining is important in order to ensure that your child feels loved even when they are being reprimanded. This is vital for your child’s development and for attachment.
When disciplining your child it is also important to remember not to overreact. Often parents discipline their child when they are tired, stressed or frustrated, thus the parents not only react to the child’s behaviour, but to also their own internal feelings. Sometimes it helps to compose yourself or perhaps to allow your partner to discipline if you feel that you may not be able to control your emotions.
Engaging in lengthy verbal interactions with your child about their misbehaviour is also infective. Often children are too young to understand the abstract principles you are attempting to apply to the issue. It is important to understand that children are concrete thinkers, thus what you say is often interpreted as what you are going to do. For instance, some parents may retort “I’m going to kill you if you don’t get here this instance”, a young child will interpret such a comment literally. Thus, they will react with fear and become extremely emotional. Furthermore, when children are upset, they find it extremely difficult to process what they are being told by a parent during the incident. Often it is easier to allow the child to have time out, and then to discuss the behaviour together in a settled and non-conflicting environment.
We are all different as parents and we all bring our values and beliefs into our parenting practices. Whilst difference should be embraced, ensuring that these simple principles are adopted within your parenting practices will result in effective behaviour management.
